Handling Your Own Anger

When your child has a temper tantrum or otherwise acts out, you may find that your own equilibrium is threatened. Loving your child is no protection against feeling incredible anger toward him at the same time. In fact, the intensity of your love makes anger more likely, because if you didn't care so much, you wouldn't have such strong feelings of anger either. It would be foolish to try to not feel anger. Anger is a normal emotion. Just as you accept that your child is sometimes angry, you need to accept this feeling in yourself. And just as you work toward directing your child's anger, you need to put your own anger in perspective and not to let it overtake you. Each time you handle your own anger effectively, you give your child a role model for dealing with his own angry feelings. To keep your anger in check:

• Recognize and name it. Let your child and yourself know that you are angry. When your child has upset you to the point of anger, tell him. Say, "What you are doing is making me very angry." This gives him a chance to learn about your feelings as well as his own and gives him the language to express those feelings. Stating your anger plainly also signals to your child that negative emotions are normal. Use this technique judiciously, however, as your child may begin to tune you out if he hears "I'm angry" too often. To avoid being tuned out, vary your words. You might use a word he's never heard before in place of "angry," such as "aggravated" or "aghast." Taking the time to think of new words will also give you a few more seconds to regain your self-control.

• Give yourself a moment to calm down. One of the best solutions for dealing with your own anger with your child is to walk away before you say or do something, such as make threats or call your child names, that you'll later regret. When you feel your anger rising and you're afraid of losing control, say, "I need a time-out so that I can calm down." Don't leave the house or go out of your child's line of vision, however, since this can frighten him tremendously if he thinks you're abandoning him.

• Resume normal interaction as soon as possible. If you tell your child you will talk about the matter when you feel better, then make sure to do so within a fairly short period of time. If you give him the silent treatment for most of the day, you are letting him know that you think he's so awful you can't stand to be around him.

• Apologize. When you've misplaced your anger at your child's feet, don't hesitate to say you're sorry. Even if you're justifiably angry at your child, if you've said or done something hurtful, apologize. This gives your child the model of behavior to apologize for his own hurtful words or actions. Don't worry that apologizing will undermine your authority. Your child needs to know that everyone can be wrong at times, and that it's okay to admit so.

•Limit the opportunities for becoming angry. Look for ways to change the routine to avoid situations that regularly result in confrontation. For example, if your household is rushed in the mornings, identify things you can do the night before to eliminate this usual stress.

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